In a Funk

I am kind of in a funk today and I find myself crying for no apparent reason. Maybe it's PMS or maybe it's stress. Or maybe it is just that I have been feeling very overwhelmed the past week or so. Feeling like there is so much to do and I cannot get it all done. And that I am not really giving 100% to anything and therefore failing at most everything. I also have not been eating very well during the day (or eating at all somedays) because I just don't take the time to make something. I am sure that has added to me feeling bad and not having a lot of energy.

Here are some other things that I think are also causing me to feel this way:

Jacob wants my attention and wants me to play with him. And, of course, I would love to be able to just sit and read to him all day. Or play cars and trucks. Or go outside and swing. Or take him for a walk in the wagon. But, then there is only so much time in the day and while I spend thirty minutes playing with him, I start to feel the pressure of everything else that needs to get done. And then, I feel really guilty because I should be enjoying these times with him because I know that he is only going to be little for a short period of time. It's a constant struggle to figure out how to balance all of the demands that are placed on me (or I have placed on myself!).

Jacob is also starting to exhibit some "terrible two" behavior. He is definitely exerting more need for control and independence. Along with that comes yelling outbursts, hitting, throwing things, telling us "NO NO NO NO NO" and sometimes throwing a fit when we tell him he needs to do something. This includes things that are necessary like putting his shoes on to go outside or sitting in his highchair to eat. It is can be very frustrating trying to explain to him that he HAS to do these things. It can also be exhausting! Something else that is new behavior is that he will change his mind on a dime. Most days after watching a video for about five minutes, he says NO and wants to watch something else. If I don't change the video, he sometimes freaks out. At that point, I turn the TV off all together, but I still have to deal with his tantrum. And, last night he said he wanted to take a bath (and we obliged even though it wasn't a "bath night") but once he got all undressed and the water and bubbles were filling up in the tub, he threw a huge fit and didn't want to sit down in the tub! I know that this is all normal behavior for his age, but it is exhausting to deal with sometimes!! I find myself trying not to get too angry and to discipline him with love, but that is not always easy. I feel like a really bad mom lately because I find myself running out of patience very quickly. I wonder if I am putting him in "timeout" too frequently or for things that aren't really "that" bad. But then again, I want to be sure that I am giving him clear signs of what is correct behavior and what is not. And, I have seen signs of change based on my discipline so I know that something I am doing is working! Some days, this parenting job is REALLY hard!!

My house seems like it constantly needs to be cleaned. A day after I washed the kitchen floor and swept the hardwoods, they are messy again. The bathrooms seem to be like that too. In fact I hate to admit it, but our master bathroom is disgusting! It really needs to be cleaned and I just keep putting it off because it's not high on the priority list! And, of course there is the never ending laundry that always seems to be piled up and the meals to cook and the grocery lists to make and then a trip to the grocery store with a toddler (which is not very fun sometimes due to the resistance of putting on shoes and sitting still in the grocery cart). The list of things to do around the house just never seems to end!!

My "part-time" job has also become much more demanding. I have several projects to complete and I am also working help desk shifts a few times a week! The past two weeks I have worked close to 30 hours each week and it has been draining! I have been working during Jacob's naps every day and often working in the evenings. I have decided that staying up until after midnight doing work is not good for me. I wake up tired and cranky in the morning and Keith and I are not spending much quality time together in the evenings. I really do enjoy the job and the money that I am making is definitely helping us, but I have found that working an "at home" job means that you really never leave work. There is always something that can/should be done when you have a free moment.

The stress level in our house has also been affected by the medical issues that Keith's mom has been going through for the past month. First, she had surgery on March 3rd to remove a cancerous tumor in her liver. They ended up taking out half of her liver, but thankfully that organ will regenerate on its own! While Keith was up in PA for her surgery, he ended up staying for an additional two days. First, because Marge was put in ICU for breathing troubles. And, then because he had to gather documents for a social worker to see if she qualified for Medicaid (for which she has since been denied for bringing in too much money each month...seriously??! Apparently the max is $900 a month and she brings in just over $1000 between SS and her small pension check). Then, she was released from the hospital a week later and sent to a skilled nursing facility for rehab. She seemed to be doing really well with rehab until last Friday, when we received a phone call at 10:30pm saying that she had been taken to the hospital in respiratory distress. She was diagnosed with a Pulminary Embolism (a blood clot in her lung) and she was in the Critical Care Unit. She stayed in the CCU until Monday and now she is currently in a step-down unit. She was diagnosed with pneumonia, although that seems to have cleared up now. She is most likely going to be released either today or tomorrow and she will go stay with her sister (which is another stressor since they don't get along very well). Keith has been in constant communication with his aunt, the social workers, doctors, nurses, and anyone else involved in her care. It's been a lot for him and it makes it even harder to help when he is 200 miles away! We have talked about the possibility of bringing her down here to stay with us for while she recuperates, but that brings up a whole nother level of stress! Right now, we are going to wait and see how her follow-up appt with the surgeon goes on April 4th.

I also love to blog and it has certainly been put on the back burner recently. Most importantly, I use this blog as a journal so that I can remember what our life is like during a particular time. I also like writing and find it therapeutic at times (this post for example) and I miss the ability to do that. I put stress on myself to get certain posts done (like montly posts about Jacob - which I am like 5 months behind on!) and then I feel like a failure when I don't get them done.

Part of my guilty feelings also surround the fact that I know that I have a GREAT life. I am SO blessed to have this life and I feel like I should be happy and appreciative all the time instead of feeling so stressed. I know that these feelings will soon pass and that everything that needs to get done will get done. I just need to refocus and remember what is important in life. And know that I am doing the best that I can.